Tag Archives: self-confidence

DEPRESSION – GET THEE BEHIND ME!

Gabrielle Roth quotation

I recalled the above quote by Gabrielle Roth when I read an article today about the way the medical profession treated a woman with depression.

The woman was going through a divorce so what she was really suffering from were emotions like grief, pain, regret which, yes, can drag you down into sadness. But not necessarily depression.

So this woman went to see a psychiatrist in Harley Street (a posh area in London for high-end medical professionals) who interviewed her for twenty minutes, diagnosed depression and sent her away with a prescription for escitaloprom and mirtazapine. For the next year this woman descended into hell via prescription anti-depressant medications including, additionally, aripiprazole, sertraline and disazepam. Oh, and the aripiprazole was replaced with olanzapine, on of the most powerful antipsychotic drugs. Linked to unexplained deaths, strokes, diabetes and an overwhelming urge to binge eat. The woman lost her emotions and couldn’t feel love or any emotion and wanted to kill herself.

She eventually, courtesy of a National Health Service mental health unit, went cold turkey and the five drugs she was on were cut off. Coming off one of these drugs is supposedly as bad as withdrawing from heroin, so imagine what it was like withdrawing from five drugs.

And all because she wasn’t handling her divorce well!

I’m mentioning this because, years ago, when I was doing Tarot readings in the UK, I did a Tarot reading for a lady and, looking at one of the cards in my Thoth Tarot deck, asked if she was unhappy or depressed. She told me she was being treated for depression and receiving much the same treatment as the lady above – a half-hour interview, drugs dispensed, come back next week, to repeat the process.  This psychiatrist was employed by the NHS so he had a grand little repeat income with no real work involved.

As I worked with this woman in the course of the short Tarot session, we tracked back to a tragic incident in her  younger days.  She couldn’t remember the day, time or year of the event and I told her that this was significant as I could remember when my  mother died down to the date and time. Somehow she masked her grief with a descent into depression. A depression which was being treated by a psychiatrist in a truly shoddy, shameful manner, but good for his back pocket and the drug company. And, with a bit of talking, care and compassion, I was able to track down the source of the depression but, unfortunately, wasn’t able to take things further. Hopefully, the reading gave the woman some insight and perhaps alternatives to continued medication.

I have also suffered depression, from the time I went to university at age 18 until well into my mid-forties.  I first had trouble when I went back to university after my first Christmas at home and got ulcers all over my mouth and then quinsy, a severe form of tonsillitis. This cleared up but I felt dog tired all the time although I was sleeping very long hours. I visited the university health service, was diagnosed with depression and put on tablets.Do a Little Dance

The first inkling I had that low self-esteem was involved was when I saw a psychologist in Australia in 1975.  The depression had reared its head again and luckily the doctor I was seeing was more interested in finding the root case rather than doling out drugs.  She sent me to a psychologist attached to the surgery and I realised that I’d internalised a very negative comment from a former boyfriend. She helped me understand and get over this.

But I still had flare-ups of depression until I saw a psychologist who told me he felt I was suffering from lack of self-confidence and lack of self-esteem. I was staggered when he told me this but he gave me some good books to read and talked me through techniques of cognitive therapy.

This all helped but I only realised, after my mum died, and I saw a psychologist to cope with her death, that I’d internalised to a deep level lack of self-esteem due to my father’s behaviour when I was a child, in my teens and into my adult years.  Once I realised this I never looked back. In fact, it opened up the gates for me to put depression behind me and unleash a creativity I never realised was lurking in my fearful, timid depths. Although on the surface I appeared confident and self-assertive, underneath I had no sense of being a powerful being.

Now that I’m an artist, writer, crystal worker and Tarot reader, I have no problems with depression at all.  I do get what is called “fog head” with fibromyalgia but I know the difference between something that can arise out of the blue, lurk for a few days and then vanish into the wide blue yonder, and the disabling depression I used to suffer when I was younger.

I realise there’s a great difference between the depression I suffered and the sort of depression which involves schizophrenia and other serious mental health challenges. BUT suppose we stopped labelling natural human emotions, such as grief, sorrow, pain, regrets, anger and so on, as emotional reactions requiring medication. Suppose instead we focused on the steps and paths towards a fully functioning human being who can handle life’s ups and downs in a constructive fashion instead of  being  rather a label dreamed up by pharmaceutical corporations and their allies in the medication profession.

Yes, you might be required to delve into why you’re not in balance, which sometimes can be quite painful as I found out. And it ain’t easy. It’s bloody hard work – I’m not one of the “If you think the right thoughts all will be well” brigade. It can be a hard road to hoe but ultimately incredibly rewarding because you get to create the opportunity to be full alive, to live life to the hilt, to explore what lights your heart and soul. And in the process we can all start creating a far healthier, happier, balanced society.

So remember, do things which help your inner light:

  • SING
  • LOVE
  • PLAY
  • DANCE
  • LAUGH
  • CREATE ART
  • READ POETRY
  • LISTEN TO MUSIC
  • READ GREAT BOOKS
  • WALK BY THE BEACH
  • PLAY AN INSTRUMENT
  • WATCH FUNNY MOVIES
  • ASK FOR HELP FROM A FRIEND
  • HELP OTHERS FACING CHALLENGES
  • GET TOGETHER WITH OTHERS, FORM A SELF-HELP GROUP
  • ABOVE ALL: VALIDATE AND LOVE YOURSELF, YOU’RE UNIQUE. THE WORLD WOULD BE A LESSER PLACE WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE.
Advertisements

InSight (45)

InSight

I thought I was done and dusted with the Canyons of My Mind series but no, my subconscious had another surprise in store for me – a nightmare!

I’ve only, thankfully, had one other nightmare in my life, when a Dementor (a monstrous being in the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling) appeared and, I can assure you, I hope I never see another Dementor in my life!

I dithered about writing about this nightmare as it took a while to work out and also it has a rather unpleasant content – at least, until the end. But it seems to me it’s an example of healing at a very great depth which may be encouraging to others who may experience something similar.

So here goes.

“In the dream I am back in the house where I lived as a kid, Liverpool Lawn in Ramsgate, Kent, south-east England.  I go into a room where my father is asleep but he wakes up as I enter and walks threateningly towards me, a real monster. I realise he intends to rape me and I am absolutely terrified.  I run out of the house, with him in relentless pursuit and it is pitch-black outside. I then run frantically down the alley way which used to run between Liverpool Lawn and Adelaide Gardens. All these houses had semi-basements and I am absolutely terrified as I run along.

Then I see a light on in one of the basements, run down the steps and burst into the house through the back door. I shut the door and find myself facing a young couple looking somewhat alarmed (as you do, I suppose when someone bursts into your house unexpectedly). I tell them my father is following me and intends to rape me, they say they’ll help but then we all suddenly realise he’s gone around the front of the terraced houses and is outside the front door.

The young man looks outside, says that my father now has a gun, and goes outside to confront him. However, I can’t let the young man be harmed so run out and push past my father. As I run around the centre lawn and arrive at the other side, I come across people at an outside party who, when I tell them my story, advise me to tell the police who have a branch office in one of the houses on the crescent.

I run up to the police post, ring the bell and tell my story when the policeman answers the door. He tells me I’m imagining things and to go home and stop dramatising things. But then I realise I can hear my father and his parents upstairs being warmly received by the police. I am furious and enraged, rather than scared, shout at the policeman for not doing his job, and run upstairs to confront my father and my paternal grandparents.”

When I woke up straight after the dream, I felt so terrified I got up and had a cup of coffee until I’d calmed down enough to return to bed and get back to sleep without worrying about the dream recurring. It’s my belief that, when we have a powerful dream/nightmare which affects us deeply, it’s important to find out what it’s about as the dream/nightmare has significance in your life.

I must say, upfront, that in fairness to my father, I’m pretty sure that he never sexually abused me. I know there are many instances of repressed memories but it was emotional, mental and physical control which characterised my relationship with my father.

If you look at the nightmare, it divides into three: 1) running away   2) seeking refuge  3) finally deciding to stop running, stand up for myself and overcome the fear (if you are trying to analyse a dream, look at how it breaks up. You’ll generally find a new section begins “And then….”).

I also think that the inclusion of my grandparents – with whom I had a distant relationship once my aunt, the favourite, had a daughter and replaced me – is also about ancestral healing, perhaps again because I felt I’d been also on approval with my grandparents and discarded as soon as my cousin was born.

It seems to me, the fear and terror represents what I felt as a child with the episode which I described in an earlier post and which left me believing I was in my family on approval, so to speak, with that approval liable to be removed any time. Of course, this wasn’t the true situation – this was my perspective as a child.  It also represents the fact that I’ve been running from these feelings for a lot of my life.

I found the middle bit a bit hard to understand, until I realised that both the young man and woman were aspects of myself – the immature beings which, in my life, have been represented by my desire for approval and to be liked which, quite often, have led to me appeasing others at my own expense, fudging the truth, putting on a friendly face when I felt quite hurt by what people had said.

And finally, standing up to the police, my father and my grandparents is the position I’m in now – one where I’ve cleared out the old fears and childhood insecurity, and asserted my ability to be a powerful force for myself, for my creativity and for my self-confidence and self-esteem.

I should add that, since I completed writing about my childhood and since that nightmare, I am far more laid back, far less driven and far more ready to honour myself as a worthy, loveable human being who approves of and stands up for herself.

If anyone has any additional ideas about my nightmare, please feel free to contribute your thoughts, I’m more than happy to build up a collective understanding of my nightmare/dream as I feel it helps others in understanding their own dreams.

Oh, and just as an afterthought, my eating patterns have stabilised and I’ve started losing weight!

 

Ancestral Healing (43)

Ancestral Healing

Ancestral Healing

As you know from an earlier post, it was reading about the long-term effects on your brain as a child in the Adverse Child Experiences (ACE) report which sparked off this current run of posts.  I felt that the kidney infection I suddenly experienced was a physical way of shifting the shit I’d felt since childhood. I also felt – and still feel – that emotions are not as easy to release as some think.

It’s my view that adverse emotional responses get buried in the body’s emotional memories which the body then draws upon as a defence mechanism and is very reluctant to ditch. Of course, I can’t prove this but if you look at the number of people who have weight problems and who also have dysfunctional childhoods in one way or another, there’s something that goes on in the body which is so far unrecognised.

After all, if weight loss were simply a matter of less calories, more exercise, being overweight would be easy to achieve. But weight has many positive features for people – protection, comfort, solace, and so on. Food has many properties beyond simply filling your belly.  It has emotional overtones, comfort qualities, helps squash down grief, anger, feelings of powerlessness and so on. And in a society where spirit and soul are drowned out by consumption, fast lives, constant social media addiction, stress and so on, it’s not surprising so many people are weighty

It’s why I’ve spent time researching my family background to understand where my own weight and alcohol problems come from. Apart from my father’s own alcoholism, I can remember him mentioning that his father had been a drunk, until the time he staggered home along the tram lines and realised, when he was sober, that he was lucky not to have been mown down by a tram.  He took “the Pledge” which was a formal promise to stop drinking. Indeed he never took another drop of alcohol.

As for me, apart from the ancestral inheritance of alcoholism, the first time I saw an astrologer, she coughed gently, went a bit pink, and then said: “I hope you’re not offended by my asking this, but do you have drug problems?”  I was quite startled, how did she know I had alcohol problems?  I know now that the position of Neptune, in the first house and – in my case – is a classic sign for addiction problems of any kind.

Australia was a problem drinker’s delight when I first arrived here. Alcohol was freely available and cheap. Grog was pretty much evident at all social events. And my drinking took off like a rocket.  It ricocheted around for quite a few decades until I broke my leg and ankle in Queensland in 1996 and gave it up.  I remember talking to an alcohol and drug counsellor when Dad was in hospital who said that she knew I’d give up, but she could see Dad wouldn’t. And sure as eggs, he’d been out of hospital for about five weeks when he went back on the grog.

One of the puzzles in my life was solved when I saw a psychologist about  my alcohol problems. He listened and then said something which really surprised me: “I think you lack self-confidence and have very low self-esteem”. Well, I had hidden all that under a veneer of confidence but his words hit home.  It was another piece in my life puzzle, realising that my father had continually chipped away at my self-confidence which had led to bouts of depression, alcohol abuse and weight problems.

I decided when I began writing about my life that I would be absolutely honest and not present an airbrushed version of myself. So I haven’t stayed off the grog, but it comes and goes, so to speak, and I’m very careful and judicious if I feel like a drink .It simply doesn’t fill my life the way it used to. I have a highly productive, creative life and I won’t allow alcohol to spoil that in any way.  I’ve come to understand my demons, I’ve been through the dark night of the soul when we were living in Queensland, I’ve overcome depression, lack of self-confidence and lost my abiding need for approval, something I never got from my father.

Writing out all my demons this week has helped me dig into depths I hadn’t realised existed and which I can now release since they’re out in the light of day.

I’m a digital artist – holding my art exhibition recently, Heart’n’Art, which was a retrospective of all my art from 1996-2014 (acrylic, mandala, vision board, digital art, shamanic art) gave me a huge lift as I saw all my creativity on the walls in front of me.  I’m an abundant writer. I’ve learned to stop criticising myself. I have a wonderful, loving, kind husband. I have marvellous friends. And I have a daughter as my husband’s eldest daughter, Dee, has adopted me as her mum. So I’m also a grandmother and great-grandmother.

I think I’ve done okay!

Still Alive!

I’ve been absent from my blog for quite a while, apologies for the lack of writing, but very hot weather in August (40-odd every day and hot nights) really did a number on me.  As it was very humid too, the heat really exacerbated the  good ol’ fibromyalgia and it’s taking me a while to really get back on my feet.

I’ve also been focused on my digital art as it really helps me stay positive when my health is a bit challenging..

I’ve really had to re-assess what I can and can’t do as my tendency is to pretend the fibro and hip pain don’t exist, except they have a mind of their own and make their presence known!  At present I’m focusing on an art exhibition I’m holding here in North Cyprus on 22nd November. I’ll be showing my acrylic, mandala, vision board and digital art, as well as photography from Australia and New Cyprus.

I’m not a terribly practical person as I prefer the creative process rather than the practical one, so I’ve decided to spend my time from now until 22nd November on all the background stuff needed to get the exhibition up and running, and then return to this blog after that time.

Then I shall be writing about my trips to China – exciting and memorable. And also about my health issues and how I’ve worked with various alternative therapies over the years. Thereafter, I’ll be posting every other day, health taking into consideration, and posting art on the intervening days.

My apologies for my absence, but for once I’m listening to my body and taking things step by step. It’s very frustrating to do so, by the way, but perhaps common sense has hit me in my golden oldie years!

MoNewPoster.jpg

 

Dreams – Pt 1 (22)

I’ve been pondering whether to do this post on dreams then sort of got kicked into action when I had a quite simple dream with a very deep meaning yesterday morning.  I’ve gone into detail in this post on my art blog:

http://thecrazycrone.org/2014/01/03/dreamsawakening/

but I wanted to explain the importance of dreams since I started on the current part of my life in 1996. Boonah was a really awesome place in terms of spiritual wake-up and development, like a vortex in the mountains.  I had never had anything to do with dreams until I moved into this village and then I began to open up to a more spiritual aspect to my life and to living.Mystery, Adventure, Life

I woke up one morning with a very clear memory of the dream I’d just had, and I was feeling shaken (yeah, pretty stirred too) and felt very heavy-headed and emotional. I may have mentioned this in an earlier post but it was this dream which really opened me up to how dreams can help you in your daily practical and spiritual life.

I was in the living room of my home with a big, black bull outside, pawing at the door and snorting at the gap under the door. Suddenly it broke through and chased me into my brightly lit kitchen where my mother, who was standing there, made the bull vanish.

I went to see my friend later that day, told her the dream and she said: “Oh, it’s quite clear, if you take your father up on your offer of building a home on the vacant block next to his, he’ll never be out of your life, he’ll always be interfering, and the fact that Bryan isn’t there shows he’ll break up your relationship. The image of your mother is your intuitive, wise self telling you a higher truth”.

Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather. We had our home up Mt French for sale and my father had offered to let us have half of his acre block to build a home on when we sold our current one. I’d agreed because I thought it would free up money for Bryan who wanted to return to the UK to see his family. So I told him about the dream and he said: “I could have told you the dream was about your dad. He’s a bully and he’d never have left us alone. I only agreed to the idea because I thought you wanted to live close to your dad.” And I said to him, “No, I hated the idea but thought it would help you to visit your family”. Whereupon we both looked at each other, decided the two of us had been off our rockers, and mutually agreed against the idea. Which was a pretty good decision because my father used to like controlling people, with money if necessary, and he never would have been out of our lives. And it was a pretty good hint to start talking about things a bit more openly too instead of second-guessing each other.

Not long after that I had another dream. I was standing on a hill looking at a scene from which I was separate because of a stream running at my feet. As I watched, I could see flying machines of various sorts landing and taking off. Some took off conventionally, some took off vertically like helicopters. Then a plane flew in, refuelled, took off and crashed on the field opposite me.  People rushed over, lifted up the cockpit and then said: “There’s nothing we can do for him, he’s dead.”  I felt quite detached from this scene, nothing like the emotional response I’d had the dream abut the bull, and I couldn’t relate it to my life at all or what was going on in it.

So off I trotted to Yvonne again, we pondered over the images and how I felt for a while, and then she said: “You know, this could be a predictive dream. You’re separated from all that’s taking place and you’re emotionally detached, like an observer. Keep an eye out in the news for anything that resembles this dream.” Well, to think you might have a dream about someone dying is pretty upsetting and all I could do was send good thoughts to the unknown person and hope for the best.

On the following Saturday night, on the TV news, I saw a report that a plane had crashed at the Bundaberg Air Show after flying in to refuel at the airport, taking off and then crashing in a field.  I felt my heart lurch at that because it was the exact scenario of my dream, but I really couldn’t understand how I could possibly dream about someone unknown to me. I saw Yvonne a few days later and mentioned the death at the air show. She jumped in her chair and looked at me in amazement as I said I couldn’t work out any connection. “I can tell you the connection”, she said. “That person was a good friend of my eldest daughter and she’s terribly upset about his death.”

So there you have it – somehow I had an invisible contact with a complete stranger via a mutual acquaintance and had forewarning of his death. It might sound good to say you’ve had a predictive dream but, for me, it was very unpleasant to suspect that I might have prior knowledge of someone’s death, not know that person and not be able to do anything to stop them losing their life.

It was, however, like a life lesson. On the one hand it showed me that there are more things going on in this world than we can imagine. Somehow I had become part of the invisible web which links us all and picked up this man’s departure from this world.  It seemed to highlight a phrase which is very important to me: “Each man’s death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to kLeunig - the life you could have leadnow. For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee.” (John  Dunne). And if I’m part of this invisible web, then so is everyone else.  

On the other hand, it showed me that our time of death is pretty much set. Now that I find hard to digest, to be honest, but there I was, getting advance notice of this person’s death, so perhaps it might be that we’ve all got a set time for living, only we’re not aware of it.  I suppose if you were aware of your time limit you might get a bit neurotic (or a lot neurotic, as the case may be). Or you  may learn to take life by the horns, live it well and walk a path which lights your life instead of a life where you might not be happy.

So here are a few questions for you:

  • Are you happy with your life?
  • Does your work please and satisfy you?
  • Do you have time to smell the roses?
  • Are you happy with being alone with yourself?
  • Are you happy with silence?
  • Do you still dance?
  • Are you energised by your life or are you knackered and downbeat all the time?

Only you know the answers but if you feel you’re not living an authentic life, consider that you might die tomorrow. How would you feel if you looked back on your life now and wished you’d done something different or lived differently or loved when you had the opportunity or you’d squibbed at doing creative work you knew would light your life and instead chosen a path where you feel stifled and untrue to yourself?

Gabrielle Roth quotationI mention Gabrielle Roth’s quote quite often because it certainly had meaning for me until I decided to live an authentic life instead of trying to please everybody else and also overcame a fear of not being liked if I was truly open about myself, my  likes and dislikes. But I found, in being true to myself that I got re-energised, I left behind the bouts of depression I used to suffer, and I began to take a creative path which really, literally, lifted my spirits.

I’ll wind up this part about dreams now, but will describe some of my other dreams in the next post and, in the third post in this series, post some hints about working with dreams. Listening to postcards from your inner self can illuminate your life and provide spotlights on the way forward to a life lived fully and not half-full.

 

Express yourself!

“I Am a Fine Woman” (10)

I wasn’t intending to continue on the theme of domestic violence in my family’s history except something happened which reminded me of how one can be affected not just by physical violence but by verbal pressures.  I found myself freezing when someone said something sharply to me (who it was doesn’t matter, more how it affected me), and it reminded me of behavioural patterns from childhood which still affect me from time to time.

So I thought I’d carry on with how a dysfunctional relationship has affected me and how I’ve pretty  much worked it out of my system. I’m writing this basically to encourage other women who might come across this blog and who are struggling with a dysfunctional relationship – whether in childhood,  in the family right now or in a relationship –  to get some understanding that they’re not on the same leaky boat alone.

I want to let them know that they are worth a damned sight more than anyone dragging them down or Awesomeindulging in violence – whether physical or mental – against them, and to say to anyone who reads this and thinks they’re perhaps over-reacting: if you feel abused in any way, if you feel that someone is putting you down, if someone is bashing you or verbally abusing you, it is okay to acknowledge you may feel worthless and a heap of shit, but it’s also okay to feel angry, to experience hatred because it’s your experience, no-one else’s. No-one has the right to say that you are over-stating things, being sensitive or whatever. You have your feelings, you’re entitled to own your feelings and know they are fine.

The next step is to deal with your circumstances and work on clearing out crappy feelings – because those feelings affect only you, not the person who caused it. I want to tell you that I ran a group once with women who’d been sexually assaulted or suffered domestic violence or  been the subject of hurtful behaviour and comments designed to smash their self-confidence.  Each and every one of these brave, gutsy women had finally quit a situation that dragged down their spirits. They had regained their self-esteem, their self-confidence and rebuilt their lives. Some of them were in difficult financial circumstances but not one of them would go back to the hell of the past. They saw themselves not as survivors but as victors, because they had regained their spirit and their sense of self.

The quote in the title comes from one of those women.  She had been through unimaginable difficulties but never gave up hope. Every time she was down, she told herself: “I am a fine woman”.  I have never forgotten that and it’s been my mantra too and I’m pretrty sure it remains a mantra for other women in her group not only for her courage but her honesty in baring her soul to us.

Before we left Australia, we saw a programme on ABC TV  which was based on the fact that many women who were the victims of domestic abuse in post-war Sydney got shot of their violent partners with thallium, a rat poison readily available in the corner stores in the city, although not available in other parts of the country.

About 100 deaths were attributed to these poisonings although the figure could have been higher. In most cases the women poisoning their partners were the victims of domestic violence and in those days there was no escape. To leave a marriage meant, for women, poverty and social ostracism.  If you were getting beaten up, you had to put up with it and try to survive as best you could. Enter stage left thallium which was tasteless and highly effective at putting in food and knocking off your violent partner.

True not every woman who used the poison was the victim of domestic violence, but very many were and they were desperate.

Nowadays of course there is more knowledge of domestic violence, awareness of women’s refuges and far more support than there used to be. Nevertheless, many women continue to remain in violent relationships and all too often you see the comment: “Why don’t these women just get out of this situation. Just walk out or walk away.”

But it’s easier said than done, as victims will attest. There’s the shame factor of admitting publicly you’ve been bashed. Often there’s the very real fear of being homeless or facing the prospect of poverty. And all too often it’s because women have been brainwashed into thinking they deserve what they’re getting, that they don’t deserve any better and they’re basically a heap of worthless shit who should be happy they’ve got a man in their life, however violent.

If you’re wondering if I’ve been a victim of domestic violence myself, no, I haven’t, thank goodness. But going back to the history of domestic violence in my family and to the domineering attitude of my father, it came as a shock to me in my ‘fifties to realise how much I’d been brainwashed by my father over the years.

credit, girlHe used to say things with so much certainty that as a child I never queried whether his comments were truthful and correct or not. And this attitude continued into adulthood because it was one I’d grown up with and I had no reason not to trust what my father was saying. Also in my adult years I wasn’t around my father very  much and, if I was, we used to argue like the clappers because I stood up to Dad when he said things I didn’t agree with or sneered at my views.  Looking back now, I realise that my mum was the peacemaker between us and when she died, Dad and I were face to face in our relationship without an intervening presence.

In my ‘fifties I found out that something Dad had asserted was quite untrue and was in actual fact a piece of complete fiction.  I found out other untruths and I began to query just what was real in the past and what wasn’t. I really have no idea now if the stories Dad told of his younger years were real or complete fiction. It’s a weird situation as you realise you’ve been so comprehensively brainwashed when you think you’re a perfectly functioning adult!

I also learned that, as well as being a liar, my father was always ready to rip off anyone, regardless of whether they were his friends or not. And he used money to try and control people, including myself. Facing up to who your father really was – and also seeing him when he was down and out as a raging alcoholic is very painful.  We all would like the perfect father who loves us and approves of us, but for many of us it’s often it’s pie in the sky, particularly with older generations where fathers were often absent due to work requirements.

I don’t know about women who’ve been the subject of domestic violence, but I do know now that whenever someone speaks sharply or aggressively to me, I still freeze.  My mind goes blank, I feel I’m in freefall, and it is really hard to get together the words to respond. Often I’ll simply reply shakily and quite weakly which really pisses me off no end when I look at how I could have replied further down the line. I’m working on this because it’s only with writing about my reaction that I’ve been able to pin the source down to the verbal batterings I used to get from my father.

In my next post I want to look at my relationship with money, because it too has been affected by my reaction to my father’s miserly approach to life and my fear of not being in the least like him.  Once you start digging down into your family, its origins and how it affects you, it can seem like opening Pandora’s Box. But clearing out the box is the best way to get clear of shit which has been dragging you down, and standing tall in your own right and with confidence in yourself as “a fine woman”.

Permission to be Powerful

%d bloggers like this: